Tag: rant

Under Pressure

The pressure of all of the impending things in my life is starting to suffocate me.

I’m beginning to feel like I did right before the wedding… when I was constantly melting down, and doing silly things like scrubbing the kitchen grout with a toothbrush… Which to be honest feels quite strange, as there is nothing for me to be doing. I mean before the wedding, I felt like there was lots of things for me to do, but I was avoiding them all.

Now there is nothing for me to do, I am simply waiting for time to pass so that I can START doing the things.

Maybe I should make a list of all of the things that are starting to freak me out, and unpack them a little.

1. IVF starting next week
2. Mum’s triathlon
3. Halloween
4. Holly’s baby shower
5. Having to take time off work (but not knowing when, or how much)

Ok, let’s begin.

  1. IVF – man what the fuck, once I get my period this weekend, I need to go and get my bloods done, call the clinic, pick up the drugs, and the real fun can begin.
    The thought makes me want to vomit. Cry. Hide in my bed. Cry some more.
    I’m nervous, and that’s ok. I am allowed to be nervous. I guess I am also excited? Like this will be how I get pregnant. I know that the hope I let myself carry around can be really dangerous, but I need some hope. Some excitement. I’m going to get pregnant, and we are going to start our family. How fucking magical is that?
  2. Mum’s triathlon – I feel so bad, like I am really letting her down somehow by not being available to cheer her on fully that entire weekend. Even though she has said it is not an issue, and Jacob has said it is not an issue. It feels like a big issue to me 😦
  3. Halloween. I have -1000000% desire to dress up like an idiot, and go out for Halloween with my face like this, and we’ll have likely started our shots by then, and I’ll be extra hormonal, and one of the people we’ll be going with will be pregnant, and blah blah blah – I can foresee that being a sizable challenge.
  4. Baby Shower’s are always fraught with danger – and I like these ladies really not a great deal… Another challenging event
  5. Work. I mean – work is not really an issue, and I should calm down. Work has already made it very clear that they will support me through this, and I should trust the people I’m surrounded by. No one wants me or us to fail.

I don’t want to make drastic changes to my life, because, like, what’s the freaking point? Nothing matters any way? But then, I think that might be my depression talking. Rearing its ugly head. Telling me that what is the point in bettering myself, or my life, when I’m not going to get what I want any way. And hey, at least if eat delicious food, and have a drink here and there I get to enjoy some aspect of my miserable life.

Ew.

That is some ugly ugly UGLY shit right there.

Maybe I should make better choices, but for ME and how I FEEL in my life. Rather than to help me try and achieve something, that I actually have no control over? But then, I start to think “well that’s not going to work because you are just trying to trick yourself! Silly….” And then on the flip side, I’m like “No shut up you, what do you know. You just want me to fail!” And the cycle goes on, and on, and on until I need a nap because I’m tired of my own shit basically.

I need a nap. Or a fucking holiday.