I logged in just now, to start writing

I opened a blank blog post, to try and write down how my sadness is such a physical thing right now, and I saw a post titled “Happy Never After” and I couldn’t have put my feelings down any better than that.

Happily. Never. after.

That is pretty much how I am feeling at the moment. As I wait, for my body to figure out how to body again, I don’t see what the point of anything is lately. Which 100% is depression. Like bitch – there are tonnes of reasons. And we didn’t even exhaust all of our options or try all that hard yet.

Like, caaaaallllmmmmmm down. Take a deep breath, and do your god damn work. Then go home and get the fuck on with it.

You’ll get there. You and I both know you have survived shit WAY worse than this. This is easy. You can get through this. One foot in front of the other. Five minutes at a time. Just keep on going. Forward. Upward. Onward.

We are pregnant. I am pregnant.

What. The?

Such a surreal thing to be writing and talking about and experiencing after all the pain and heartbreak we went through over the past 18 months to get to the stage of IVF.

Wild.

It still doesn’t feel real, but I imagine lots of women feel that way to start the first time?

I’ve not had really many symptoms, but it’s still such early days. Mainly just exhaustion, and some cramping. Super mild cramping though really. Oh, and I am bloated! I feel so freaking huge already which will be interesting in my wardrobe, given how fitted and tight most of my clothes are.

They say sickness usually starts for women after 6 weeks, so that’s something to look forward to next week 😛

Under Pressure

The pressure of all of the impending things in my life is starting to suffocate me.

I’m beginning to feel like I did right before the wedding… when I was constantly melting down, and doing silly things like scrubbing the kitchen grout with a toothbrush… Which to be honest feels quite strange, as there is nothing for me to be doing. I mean before the wedding, I felt like there was lots of things for me to do, but I was avoiding them all.

Now there is nothing for me to do, I am simply waiting for time to pass so that I can START doing the things.

Maybe I should make a list of all of the things that are starting to freak me out, and unpack them a little.

1. IVF starting next week
2. Mum’s triathlon
3. Halloween
4. Holly’s baby shower
5. Having to take time off work (but not knowing when, or how much)

Ok, let’s begin.

IVF – man what the fuck, once I get my period this weekend, I need to go and get my bloods done, call the clinic, pick up the drugs, and the real fun can begin.
The thought makes me want to vomit. Cry. Hide in my bed. Cry some more.
I’m nervous, and that’s ok. I am allowed to be nervous. I guess I am also excited? Like this will be how I get pregnant. I know that the hope I let myself carry around can be really dangerous, but I need some hope. Some excitement. I’m going to get pregnant, and we are going to start our family. How fucking magical is that?
Mum’s triathlon – I feel so bad, like I am really letting her down somehow by not being available to cheer her on fully that entire weekend. Even though she has said it is not an issue, and Jacob has said it is not an issue. It feels like a big issue to me 😦
Halloween. I have -1000000% desire to dress up like an idiot, and go out for Halloween with my face like this, and we’ll have likely started our shots by then, and I’ll be extra hormonal, and one of the people we’ll be going with will be pregnant, and blah blah blah – I can foresee that being a sizable challenge.
Baby Shower’s are always fraught with danger – and I like these ladies really not a great deal… Another challenging event
Work. I mean – work is not really an issue, and I should calm down. Work has already made it very clear that they will support me through this, and I should trust the people I’m surrounded by. No one wants me or us to fail.

I don’t want to make drastic changes to my life, because, like, what’s the freaking point? Nothing matters any way? But then, I think that might be my depression talking. Rearing its ugly head. Telling me that what is the point in bettering myself, or my life, when I’m not going to get what I want any way. And hey, at least if eat delicious food, and have a drink here and there I get to enjoy some aspect of my miserable life.

Ew.

That is some ugly ugly UGLY shit right there.

Maybe I should make better choices, but for ME and how I FEEL in my life. Rather than to help me try and achieve something, that I actually have no control over? But then, I start to think “well that’s not going to work because you are just trying to trick yourself! Silly….” And then on the flip side, I’m like “No shut up you, what do you know. You just want me to fail!” And the cycle goes on, and on, and on until I need a nap because I’m tired of my own shit basically.

I need a nap. Or a fucking holiday.

Honestly

I just don’t even know any more.

Getting my period this morning – and I’m not even sure I give a shit now. Like what did I expect? One appointment with the fertility specialist, and I would magically be able to fall pregnant? HAH. Jokes on me.

I know I should be sad, or maybe more accurately I know I would usually be sad. But you know what? I just don’t think I have the fucking energy.

Clearly my tubes are blocked blocked blocked, and I’m never going to be able to naturally conceive and that is the end of that.

Will we pursue IVF? Who know’s? Will we even survive the unavoidable diagnosis that my body is fucked? I mean, I doubt it. Maybe we’re stronger than I think…

It’s hard to believe this is my life right now.

Given my history, did I really deserve this? After all I have endured?

Does anyone really deserve the bad shit that happens to them?

God. Listen to me would you…. I need to get over myself.

Really struggling…

I’m not really sure what changed… (That’s not entirely true…)

I don’t feel like I’m able to get back on the bandwagon. Every day, I get home, after eating like shit each day, feel like garbage, I look in the mirror and am not particularly happy with what I see. I then make the decision mentally to get back to being the healthy, fit woman I used to be.

Next day arrives, and that doesn’t happen. I let a number of things get in my way. My emotions are the biggest culprit. I know my hormones can be a factor within my cycle (mainly at the end). I mostly let my emotions control my decision making. Which is a bit sad really.

How can I pull myself back out of this space? I’m not really enjoying being here… It’s dark, and scary, and miserable.

I know what to do, I know how to do it. But I seem unable… Not unable… Just un-motivated.

Funny – I have just typed this post after eating the biggest slice of red velvet cake ever. Go figure.

Such a funny thing, feeling such joy and excitement for someone, and also sadness and despair at your own situation.

I know that this is not a race, and that everyone’s journey is different, but boy oh boy am I feeling left behind.

It’s quite isolating. Despite the comforting words of people around me, I still feel quite isolated.

I wonder when that will change? Will I be able to let go of these feelings, or will they follow me into the next stage of my life?

Fertility Testing

How exhausting. Christ. And I have only been doing this for a month… It’s the ultimate catch 22 hoping there is nothing wrong with us, but also hoping they find something wrong with us.

Well, with me.

Seeing my ovaries, and that follicle this morning was wack… I wish I could find the words to explain how weird it is… Or why it’s making me feel so funny about it…

God, I want either a holiday somewhere lovely and relaxing, or a week to hide inside and avoid all of my responsibilities.

Neither of those are likely to happen while we are saving with the impending fear of IVF in front of us…

Man I need a break.

Hobbies

Your girl needs a hobby. Something to do, that isn’t drinking or wasting all of her time on stupid apps, or spending all her money.

No but seriously. I need a hobby.

I struggle in that space though, in that I only want to do things that I am good at. But that’s ridiculous! You only get good at doing things consistently.

So, what kind of hobby can I do?

Writing? Maybe – but I need something to write about. I could write about my feelings. Lord knows I have enough of them.

Cleaning and organising? Already done/doing. I do really enjoy keeping my home beautiful and things organised and decluttered, but that’s not always the funnest thing to do.

Arts & Crafts? Sure, but then I’m making things, and what am I meant to do with the things I make? Seems a bit wasteful….

Video Games? Sure, but I really only like PC gaming, and I don’t have a PC good enough to game on, and console gaming would be an outlay, as I have no games I like or want to play.

What else is there that I can do?… Reading? Costs money… I could go to the library but I’m not that organised.

Stay tuned.

I’ve become someone I don’t like very much

I don’t really know when it happened, but it did.

And here I am. Miserable.

So the first step must be acceptance? Or acknowledgement? I don’t know, but here I am. Googling how to fix it! How funny.

I don’t want to be like this. I want to be how I used to be. Maybe not backwards how I used to be, but forward to a newer better version.

I can fix this. Slowly, but surely, I will improve. I’m going to start with work. The misery, and the negativity is not pleasant, and I think I am going to ask my manager if she has any advice for combating the negativity in the space. She is so full of wisdom, so I think that will be a good move forward, and will also be a good opportunity to maybe talk about keeping her ears out for other opportunities within the college. At the moment I am solely doing data entry, and I’m not going to learn or grow that way.

I can do this. I can do this.
I am worthy of happiness.
I deserve to feel valued and appreciated within my workplace.